Well if you make it past the thirst trap, there's a lot to catch up on.
Today I turn 40 years old. I cannot say that I am where I thought I would be in my life at this particular moment. I can't even say that I am happy or proud or looking positively towards the future. I am in a metamorphosis. Let me back up to the last decade.
A decade ago, I was also in a life transition. I had just graduated with my MFA in dance, and they do not exactly hand out full-time teaching gigs for that right out of Grad School. I had begun working at HMLB, a job that would turn me into a bartender/ manager/ occasionally acting GM. Eat up my nights, but also bring me many of my closest friends. I did not know how I was going to survive out here, I was still Gogo dancing sporadically on the weekend, and finding ways to numb myself through all of it.
A few years later, time brought me more financial security, which allowed me to be in a place where I, and the universe, deemed myself ready to fall in love. And fall in love I did. We met at the bar and I knew, I knew in my gut, this was the one. Fast forward almost 8 years of ups and downs and the most amazing memories, and I find myself alone. I have lost the person that I so deeply intertwined my life with that I do not really know who I am without him. I have lost my footing, and I have lost my confidence and self-worth. While this happened back in September, I am surrounded by memories and moments that resonate deep into my soul and tear at my heart strings.
I used to not want to feel anything, I tried my best to never cry or show pain, but the truth is I cry now more than I have ever done so in my life. I feel every emotion with the amplification of a jet engine. And I do not know where the balance is. And I guess I am wishing that the cold, distant me was around, but he's long gone. So, welcome hyper-emotional middle aged me.
I have lost more than the love of my life. I have lost friends, close friends who got called home too soon. I find their memories just as bitter sweet and haunting. And as time marches on, I know that this is going to become increasingly normal and it is terrifying.
My eldest dog Crouton has taught me the most important lessons. Resiliency in the face of disease, adaptation, unconditional love, and trust. My old man is 13 now, he has Cushing's disease and he's diabetic which has made him thinner and blind. I try not to leave the house for more than a few hours at a time if I can help it or he pees. My house is all pads now when I leave and I pray that he uses them. If he can't find them then I spend my time cleaning up messes when I get home. Maybe thats the metaphor for my 40's. Maybe I spend the next decade cleaning up the messes I have made.
I have still not finished either musical, nor the album I want to make. I spend so much time day dreaming, terrified of actually doing. That is not like me. I used to spend hours working on the computer; creating, daring, making mistakes free of judgement. And now, it seems I get a measure written and my brain is telling me how much it sucks.
I am part of a musical theatre writers group that does help though. My songs always seem to be well received and the critique is always constructive. I am thankful for that. I just need to finish my two projects.... and my goal is to do so by the end of the summer. The issue is that my muse and my joy is missing, Another thing he took away unknowingly.
I am proud of myself for joining a community theater production of Company that runs through the month of July, into August. If you are in Long Beach and want to go, check out the Long Beach Playhouse website. I haven't been on the performance side of the stage in about 15- 16 years, so this was huge for me, and I am glad I went for it.
So what now. I thought I'd turn 40 surrounded by a huge party and large fanfare that seems to happen when a person hits this mid-life milestone. But its like a whisper, and its haunting, and its honestly lonely. Yes so many wonderful people have reached out to me, and yes I had lunch with 3 of my closest friends. But until you understand what I had, and what it meant, and what's been lost.... I don't think you'll understand that loneliness of it, and the failed expectation of what was supposed to be, what could've been, and what never will be. And it's devastating.
I am used to people ignoring my Bday, but for some reason I wanted this one to be something special. My bestie Joelle used to invite everyone to the karaoke bar and 4 people would show up. But damn it I love her so much for trying. I should take that as a sign.
I guess I should plan some goals for the next 10 years. The first goal is to fall in love with myself again. And not for the physical, I know I look damn good for my age. But for the million other things that I am. I need to be as naked with my emotions as I am in this photo and speak out and speak up, and not give into what I know is not good for me, and is only going to hurt me in the long run. I need to finish my current projects so I can work on the new ones I have begun dreaming about. And, in time, maybe I will find a new happy ever after. Maybe the butterflies will come back and the tears will dry, and I will be someone else's first text good morning and last text good night.
I know this went on, but there's a heaviness weighing on my soul and my heart and I need to express it. As a warning, if you don't read this and only comment about 'how good I look' or whatever, you are missing the big picture and you are not seeing me.
And do NOT fucking call me 'Daddy'
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