RIP Miguel Betancourt
This week has been rough. It began with a colonoscopy prep cuz I am almost 40 and it runs (no pun intended) in the family. Good news was that that part went well. The last text message I received from Miguel was at 2:30am Tuesday morning as I was on the porcelain getting rid of the demons, and he said "Is your procedure today?" and I said "yup." When afternoon rolled around we had our usual exchange of wit and sarcasm on Facebook. We always tried to get each other into Facebook jail because of the hilarity of Facebook's hypocritical policies and complete stupidity. At 5:52pm I got a phone call that shattered my world. I had learned that you had passed. Even as I type this I am in disbelief. The grief in my heart is so immense that it has bottle necked on its way out of my body. I have not been able to let my tears out.
I spent 3 years of Fridays with you, as a co-worker, friend, and confidant. When I first met you, I was told that I was a white version of you since we were both complete sarcastic, witty, bartenders who don't take shit from anyone. We would play games on zoom throughout Quarantine to stay sane. When I got to work with you again, the joy was still there. I could sing you "love songs," during karaoke and get you to crack up and throw insults and explicative across the bar top. In September my world was turned upside, and the once perfect life I thought I had turned out to be a facade. My heart was destroyed, my home shattered, and you Miguel: you were there to lend a should to cry on, and to help me pick up the pieces. Just like me, you wouldn't let people see how sensitive and caring you actually were. But I could tell from all the favors you would do that you did not have to do, just how good of a human you were. You gave those who may not have much, a million opportunities to do better and be better.
I came to work that night in September and cried on your shoulder. You held me and let me shatter in private, and you never told me business to anyone else. You texted me almost every day to check on me and make sure I was okay. And in January when I got my diagnosis you were once again there to hold me while I broke. When we worked our sarcasm and slander was performative. Always trash talking and throwing shit for a laugh, but once the bar had closed I knew that it was just us. Two real people, with real feelings, and real lives. We talked about everything, from the people we actually like to the people who think we like but we really don't but damn the customer service industry.
I am at a loss and have only now taken the time to feel emotions about your death. I worked your shift on Wed and Thurs and it felt wrong. I felt empty, and stoic. After the wonderful vigil that you would've hated and then confessed to me later how wonderful you thought it actually was, and how you were touched, the bar was full of peoples whose lives you had touched. As the night progressed, the weight of the loss began to sink in. I have had to hold myself together since your passing to be strong for your boyfriend, our friends, and the bar patrons. I put myself to work to distract and numb the pain of it all. But Friday night, I found myself sucking the tears back into my eyes and swallowing them down my dry throat. I am only now realizing that you aren't coming back, you're not on a vacation.
I have been thinking a lot of grief and grieving because I have been mourning the loss of my relationship for some time now, and thats gonna go on a while. But this death, this one that hit our community so hard allowed me to witness grief and see the beauty and tragedy in all of it. There are those who make the focus of the grief about themselves, because it is a cry for comfort and attention and consoling. There are those who grew angry, those who wept openly. And then there are those who had to press on, and whom they seemed cold. We had to be the rocks. The person closest to me cried on me twice, and I almost felt like I wasn't allowed to cry because I needed to be strong for him. I think what I appreciated most about Miguel, we saw through each other's bullshit and we could cry to each other and not have it be national news. Just our secret. Its not fair that I had to wait until today to cry. I had to hold on and function until I had time and the freedom to let it out. And I cried alone, because now I really feel alone. The one person who I want to hold me when I cry over you is not there. But I was there for him. Life is not fair, at all. But thats the way it is (to quote Labyrinth).
I would go on more into the other grief and loss in my life, and how heavy my heart is because I feel abandoned by something that is supposed to be forever. But this entry is for me to vocalize my grief. I miss my friend, and I am still in disbelief. It hurts to work in the space that you once commanded with your very presence. Now I know that when something ironic happens in my life, that its some how connected to you. Because you'd get a kick out of it all. I hope you're laughing with the angels. I miss and love you my friend. Very few people knew how close we had gotten, and I value our friendship and cherish it always. RIP Miguel </3
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