It seems the days are getting away from me. Maybe that is just the elusiveness of time. When I wake up in the morning and get into the shower to wake myself up to a level of functional brain capacity, I have begun to ask myself "What do I need today to feel complete?" And this question tends to guide my day as I go through the things I "have to do," and way them against the things I "should" do. Often there is confusion between the have to and the should be cause of the weight I give to my creative aspirations. Currently, they are not paying the bills or contributing in a material way to the improvement of may life. However the value of feeling like I have moved just one small step closer to my goals so satisfying, gratifying, and often appeases that voice in the morning saying "what about me?!"
Sometimes I find that I need love or to be held, and those things I am learning to find within myself. I can't replace people with people, because they are not the same. So looking inward to curtail this need to be seen, heard, loved, and validated has becoming a difficult sea to navigate. Especially because my self- esteem is in the shitter at the moment due to life circumstances and horrible choices. Ok I won't say horrible choice, I will say Trauma informed choices. And I don't say this a cry to have people lift me up. I thank you readers for your kind words, but I need to be able to lift me up and find the strength, love, and resiliency that I know is in there .... buried... so that I may stand and function and continue forward.
As the semester begins I need to find the healthy balance of work (have to) and creativity (should). But really the creativity is a have to, and I need to recognize the time balance. The fun thing is that it always strikes at the weirdest times and I am usually no where near a musical instrument. I have chords laid out for the next song in Sing While You're Winning, and I am just awaiting the words to drop down from the ether and place themselves in a beautiful combination of rhythm and melody onto my staff paper.
The other thing I am having trouble doing is navigating time to practice guitar, Bass, and piano both really. To just play and improve and grow and be able to be proficient enough in them to record myself. I have the tools, I have the books, I have the knowledge at my literal fingertips. I think what I am missing I the discipline because of the immense number of distractions that provide a more immediate gratification. Hell, even writing a song over 3 days can be more gratifying than waiting weeks to master a passage or phrase on an instrument. I am slowly become more patient with process, as it applies to these forms of expression. Which is odd, because my favorite part of choreographing is always the process. Because once it is performed, it is done... and then were does that illusive moving image of a body in time and space go to be seen, remembered, or shared. Without a video recording, it is only locked into a memory and stored for a smile. They say the best thing for a composer to do is to master their instrument, in whatever form that may take. From an actual instrument to something like Logic of Finale, etc. And this is a constant reengagement and re-investing in my own knowledge and ability to create. And from this mastery, comes a confidence in the creative process. Trusting on the history that I have experienced to inform the choices I lay down on a track, or on paper.
There's a lot on the brain today, but the semester starts Monday and then it is time to hit a pattern, form a balance, and maintain stability to satisfy all aspects of what I want and what I aspire for. But my zoom meetings will continue to look like the photo... Cesar passed out in the lap of comfort, taking my stress away.
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