I remember vividly when I was choreographing the musical "NINE" at Csu Long Beach under the direction of the brilliant Joanne Gordon (from whom I have learned so much about life and art and theatre) and she had us, as an acting exercise (I always liked to participate), to talk to our 9 year old selves. Well I am not sure my age in this photo, probably some where between 9 and 14 maybe? Mom will know. Anyways it was a tear stained rehearsal as every single one of us was brought to our knees. In light of recent events, I have sought console with my younger self, so that I may ask his forgiveness. And I would like to apologize to him. So here it goes.
Brian, I am sorry that they will not understand you. I am sorry that there will be too much noise for you to cut through and be seen but know that you are brilliant, you are creative and you are a light that is not going to be dimmed as long as your heart still beats. Fear will interrupt your art, and leave you paralyzed. You will suffer with creative paralysis because you are too afraid it won't be perfect, rather than just openly create and make messes. Brian you are going to make the biggest messes, and you are going to be okay. Brian I apologize that the recognition you so desperately seek may not come in ways that you want, but know that those who love and support you will be cheering the loudest. You just may not be able to hear them through your doubt. I am sorry for the heartbreak you will face so many times. I am sorry for the loneliness you will feel. And I am sorry that I will let you down eventually. Know that I love you Brian, and I am sorry for everything. If I could protect you from the world, and the hurt I would have. Everything is easier in retrospect, and hindsight is always 20/20.
Brian you will hit a midlife crisis like no other, and you will have no choice but to look to the future fearlessly with optimism and face your greatest fear head on. It won't be easy, but keep talking to people. Let those who bring light into your life, and push the dark out of your mindset. We will endure, we will survive and we will prevail. Make the mistakes, and learn. Know that I love you. It's going to take you a long time to fall in love with yourself, but once you do, don't let go of it.
I am sorry I let them hurt you, and some of those scars may not heal. But in time, they will be easier to face in the mirror.
On a side note, maybe blogging at 10pm gets me too far into my feelings.
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